I’ve done a lot of thinking about cheating over the past couple of weeks. I’ve talked to a lot of people about cheating — what caused them to do it, what triggered the desire, what made them want to do it, and why they did or didn’t and what I’ve discovered is when it comes to cheating. People’s reasons for cheating usually fall into roughly one or more of the following categories:
- Humans make dumb choices, rather a lot;
- Humans sometimes use a crutch or a wakeup call to get out of a situation, even though it would be better if they would figure things out without one;
- Humans have a hard time being honest with themselves and with others, which is why they think that crutch is necessary, even though in retrospect they realize it would have been easier to do something different, like talk about what they need or simply leave;
- Humans are often ruled by their dumb lizard brains because we are animals with credit cards and anxiety medication;
- Humans are capable of extraordinary selfishness and less good at remembering how that selfishness will impact someone else; and
- Humans like to think they’re the one who’ll get away with it.
just cause you love someone doesn’t mean you should be together.
Trust is the glue that holds a relationship together. Sometimes trust is all we have. This is the case with any relationship but more so with long-distance relationships. Without trust, a relationship will struggle, it will crumble and eventually it will fall apart. Everyone wants love and desires to feel safe with the person they’re attracted and connected to. After an affair or being cheated on, trust goes out the window. They say trust takes years to build and only seconds to destroy.
If you’re hurting, sometimes it’s best to take a step back. Take some time to work on yourself. Determine if the person is right for you because love a lone isn’t enough. Compatibility and trust also play huge parts in a healthy, trusting, lasting relationship. So don’t let the idea of being in love with someone be the only reason you stay. Those cycles seldom end in happiness.
forgiveness is for you, not for them.
The hardest part about being cheated on is accepting that it happened. Understand your esteem, sense of self, pride and your ideals about love may take a huge hit (which is normal) and as humans, accepting that people make mistakes is the first step towards the road to forgiveness. Forgiveness is for you, not for them. When I first discovered my girlfriend was unfaithful I was young and still had my whole life ahead of me. Although, in those moments I felt like my life was over. I was only 19 and worked the stock room at a sneaker store called Finish Line.
That day my boss Bobby told me something I’ll never forget. He told me “Life moves on and only gets better”. At the time I felt as if no one really understood the pain I was feeling and those words didn’t make much sense in that moment but now that I’m older, I’ve realized, it was the best advice I was ever given. Life does move on and if you allow yourself to heal you can and will find happiness again but you have to forgive the person before you can truly move on or begin mending your relationship.
how i got over.
I like a lot of you have big feelings and romantic sensibilities. I tend to think getting the details or hearing someone apologize or reject me will somehow solve the situation or make it easier. Sometimes I feel like I wanna be rescued rather than dig deep and fix the problems myself. I invest way too much in people, especially in relationships. I put all my hopes, expectations and energy in one person, and then get thrust back into loneliness, despair and isolation when they cheat or things just don’t work out. I’ve spent a long time figuring out why I’m like this, and how I’d like to change and I think everyone should take some time out and do the same.
Honestly, finding relationships of all sorts, friends or romantic and sexual partners is really tricky. It’s hard even for people who feel confident or who live in places where there are more options than you may have. Just last night, I was trying to figure out why I was so attracted to someone who I felt I wasn’t compatible with at all. Try not to over think things and allow yourself fall into place.
Let’s be honest, being human sometimes is hard. It’s something you kind of have to work on every day. No one should spend the rest of their lives thinking their only options are “crushing loneliness” and “this person is THE ONE and we should be together, but they may cheat again.” It is a huge waste of your time and of your love. I want you to love this person in the way you both deserve—as a human, one who’ll be there for them in the way they are for you. Surround yourself with people you trust. Love the ones who are available to love and desire you. I want you to have really great sex and amazing conversations afterwards. And the only way you can do that is to figure out how to rescue yourself and forgive whomever without looking back.